Archive for March, 2008

A Gentleman’s Guide to Etiquette

A Gentleman Commits a White-Collar Crime
A Gentleman understands that embezzlement, insider trading, tax fraud and similar activities are not actually “crimes.” “Crimes” are committed by poor people and involve guns.

If arrested, a Gentleman does not make a scene. He smugly points out that his army of lawyers will make sure he never spends a minute in prison.

Once jailed, a Gentleman never insults a fellow inmate by refusing his sexual advances. If propositioned, a Gentleman gives an elegant bow and holds his posture until his superior is finished.

Gentleman Voids Feces From His Bowels
A Gentleman need not flush the toilet after defecating, for his faeces do not pose an olfactory problem. It is more than acceptable to defecate onto a silver plate and present it to a lady as a gift.

If a Gentleman does not wish to give away his faeces, he grins and disposes of it tenderly.

A Gentleman only wipes with silk. It is tacky and bourgeois to use $100 bills.

A Gentleman only defecates twice a year.

Gentleman Procures a Prostitute
A Gentleman does not beat around the bush. When he wishes to procure sexual intercourse, he walks up to a prostitute and states, “Your short skirt and prominently displayed breasts suggest that you are willing to sell your vagina to me.”

During the sex act, a Gentleman does not dare kiss a prostitute on the mouth. Nor does he engage in foreplay or look directly into her eyes.

A Gentleman does not pay for intercourse. If the pleasure of his company was not enough compensation for the prostitute, he strangles her. Because a Gentleman does not dispose of dead bodies, he does not pay for motel rooms with his own credit card.

Gentleman Finds Out That His Son Is An Unskilled Polo Player
A Gentleman knows that disowning his own son is a difficult task. Thus, he has a servant write a note: “Dear Boy Who Used to Be My Son: As the salutation implies, you are no longer my son. Unaffectionately Yours, The Man You Used to Consider Your Father.”

Gentleman Attends an Execution
Unless otherwise specified, executions are black-tie events.

A Gentleman does not wear an executioner’s hood to the event as a joke.

A Gentleman does not cheer when the prisoner is executed. He smiles and nods.

Gentleman Kills Humans For Sport
If a Gentleman invites his cronies hunting, he supplies the game and makes a contest out of it. He acquires a sampling of social inferiors and assigns each type a relative point value based on socio-economic status.

If a Gentleman fatally wounds—but owing to poor marksmanship—does not instantly kill a peasant, he is not permitted to fire again. He must wait until the peasant is dead until he can continue hunting others. He may, however, kick the dying man in the head to hasten the process.

It is perfectly acceptable, though somewhat risky, to stuff and mount the heads of poor people throughout your house.

When feasting on the flesh of the underclass, a Gentleman drinks a merlot.

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Look into my eyes, not around the eyes, into my eyes


Well, I’ve just seen the funniest news story, that could only come out of that quirkiest of countries; Italy!

That’s right – the hypnotoad hint may have given it away. By the way, all hail the glory of the hypnotoad :-p

I’ve just noticed on the BBC News website, a story that makes me think of Derren Brown and Little Britain more than anything.

This just goes to show the power of NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming). I prefer to call it this than hypnosis.

I’d love to have been that poor woman’s boss. Can you imagine the conversation when she tilled up:

Manager: “You’re £800 down!”

Worker: “Huh, how’d that happen?”

Manager: “Well you must’ve stolen it”

Worker: “No, I’m telling you I really don’t know how it’s happened. One minute I’m talking to this guy and the next the money has gone.”

Manager: “Oh right, so I’m supposed to believe that this guy blanked your mind, like he hypnotised you or something.”

Security Guard: “Ummm boss, you may want to have a look at this CCTV video!”

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Britishness – It’s great!

I’ve just renewed my subscription to The Chap magazine – superb!

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The Manliest Thing In The World

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