A Gentleman’s Guide to Etiquette
A Gentleman Commits a White-Collar Crime
A Gentleman understands that embezzlement, insider trading, tax fraud and similar activities are not actually “crimes.” “Crimes” are committed by poor people and involve guns.
If arrested, a Gentleman does not make a scene. He smugly points out that his army of lawyers will make sure he never spends a minute in prison.
Once jailed, a Gentleman never insults a fellow inmate by refusing his sexual advances. If propositioned, a Gentleman gives an elegant bow and holds his posture until his superior is finished.
Gentleman Voids Feces From His Bowels
A Gentleman need not flush the toilet after defecating, for his faeces do not pose an olfactory problem. It is more than acceptable to defecate onto a silver plate and present it to a lady as a gift.
If a Gentleman does not wish to give away his faeces, he grins and disposes of it tenderly.
A Gentleman only wipes with silk. It is tacky and bourgeois to use $100 bills.
A Gentleman only defecates twice a year.
Gentleman Procures a Prostitute
A Gentleman does not beat around the bush. When he wishes to procure sexual intercourse, he walks up to a prostitute and states, “Your short skirt and prominently displayed breasts suggest that you are willing to sell your vagina to me.”
During the sex act, a Gentleman does not dare kiss a prostitute on the mouth. Nor does he engage in foreplay or look directly into her eyes.
A Gentleman does not pay for intercourse. If the pleasure of his company was not enough compensation for the prostitute, he strangles her. Because a Gentleman does not dispose of dead bodies, he does not pay for motel rooms with his own credit card.
Gentleman Finds Out That His Son Is An Unskilled Polo Player
A Gentleman knows that disowning his own son is a difficult task. Thus, he has a servant write a note: “Dear Boy Who Used to Be My Son: As the salutation implies, you are no longer my son. Unaffectionately Yours, The Man You Used to Consider Your Father.”
Gentleman Attends an Execution
Unless otherwise specified, executions are black-tie events.
A Gentleman does not wear an executioner’s hood to the event as a joke.
A Gentleman does not cheer when the prisoner is executed. He smiles and nods.
Gentleman Kills Humans For Sport
If a Gentleman invites his cronies hunting, he supplies the game and makes a contest out of it. He acquires a sampling of social inferiors and assigns each type a relative point value based on socio-economic status.
If a Gentleman fatally wounds—but owing to poor marksmanship—does not instantly kill a peasant, he is not permitted to fire again. He must wait until the peasant is dead until he can continue hunting others. He may, however, kick the dying man in the head to hasten the process.
It is perfectly acceptable, though somewhat risky, to stuff and mount the heads of poor people throughout your house.
When feasting on the flesh of the underclass, a Gentleman drinks a merlot.
