Archive for category Humour

Hebronics

The New York City Public Schools have officially declared Jewish English, now dubbed Hebronics, as a second language. Backers of the move say the city schools are the first in the nation to recognize Hebronics as a valid language and a significant attribute of American culture.

According to Howard Ashland, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College and renowned Hebronics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebronics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.

Professor Schulman explains,
‘In Hebronics, the response to any question is usually another question with a complaint that is either implied or stated.

Thus ‘How are you?’ may be answered, ‘How should I be, with my bad feet?’

Schulman says that Hebronics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with ’sh’ or ’shm’ at the beginning: ‘Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You should want a nosebleed?’

Another Hebronics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: ‘It’s beautiful, that dress.’

Schulman says one also sees the Hebronics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as ‘He’s slow as a turtle,’ could be: ‘Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks.’

Schulman provided the following examples from his best-selling textbook, Switched-On Hebronics:

Question: ‘What time is it?’
English answer: ‘Sorry, I don’t know.’
Hebronic response: ‘What am I, a clock?’

Remark: ‘I hope things turn out okay.’
English answer: ‘Thanks.’
Hebronic response: ‘I should be so lucky!’

Remark: ‘Hurry up Dinner’s ready.’
English answer: ‘Be right there.’
Hebronic response: ‘Alright already, I’m coming.
What’s with the ‘hurry’ business? Is there a fire?’

Remark: ‘I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the time.’
English answer: ‘Glad you like it.’
Hebronic response: ‘So what’s the matter; you don’t like the other ties I gave you?’

Remark: ‘Sarah and I are engaged.’
English answer: ‘Congratulations!’
Hebronic response: ‘She could stand to lose a few pounds.’

Question: ‘Would you like to go riding with us?’
English answer: ‘Just say when.’
Hebronic response: ‘Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?’

To the guest of honor at a birthday party:
English answer: ‘Happy birthday.’
Hebronic response: ‘A year smarter you should become.’

Remark: ‘It’s a beautiful day.’
English answer: ‘Sure is.’
Hebronic response: ‘So the sun is out; what else is new?’

Answering a phone call from a son:
English answer: ‘It’s been a while since you called.’
Hebronic response: ‘You didn’t wonder if I’m dead already?’

Taking My Dad For Shoes

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84)…

We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors – green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ….

“Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

Economics and medicine

An Israeli doctor said, ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take
a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work
in six weeks’.

A German doctor said, ‘That’s nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of
one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks’.

A Russian doctor said, ‘In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take
half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking
for work in two weeks’.

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said ‘Hah!. We can take two arseholes
out of Scotland, put them in 10 & 11 Downing Street and have half the
country looking for work within twenty-four hours’.

What causes arthritis?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a
half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading and after a few minutes he
turned to the priest and asked, ‘Say Father, what causes arthritis?’

The priest replies, ‘My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping
around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.’

The drunk muttered in response, ‘Well, I’ll be damned, ‘ Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
‘I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?’

The drunk answered, ‘I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.’

Economic Update

Quick joke for you:

An Israeli doctor said, ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks’.  A German doctor said, ‘That’s nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of  one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks’.  A Russian doctor said, ‘In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks’.  The English doctor, not to be outdone, said ‘Hah!. We can take two arseholes out of Scotland, put them in 10 & 11 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours’.


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