According to Howard Ashland, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College and renowned Hebronics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebronics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.

Professor Schulman explains,
‘In Hebronics, the response to any question is usually another question with a complaint that is either implied or stated.

Thus ‘How are you?’ may be answered, ‘How should I be, with my bad feet?’

Schulman says that Hebronics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with ’sh’ or ’shm’ at the beginning: ‘Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You should want a nosebleed?’

Another Hebronics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: ‘It’s beautiful, that dress.’

Schulman says one also sees the Hebronics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as ‘He’s slow as a turtle,’ could be: ‘Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks.’

Schulman provided the following examples from his best-selling textbook, Switched-On Hebronics:

Question: ‘What time is it?’
English answer: ‘Sorry, I don’t know.’
Hebronic response: ‘What am I, a clock?’

Remark: ‘I hope things turn out okay.’
English answer: ‘Thanks.’
Hebronic response: ‘I should be so lucky!’

Remark: ‘Hurry up Dinner’s ready.’
English answer: ‘Be right there.’
Hebronic response: ‘Alright already, I’m coming.
What’s with the ‘hurry’ business? Is there a fire?’

Remark: ‘I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the time.’
English answer: ‘Glad you like it.’
Hebronic response: ‘So what’s the matter; you don’t like the other ties I gave you?’

Remark: ‘Sarah and I are engaged.’
English answer: ‘Congratulations!’
Hebronic response: ‘She could stand to lose a few pounds.’

Question: ‘Would you like to go riding with us?’
English answer: ‘Just say when.’
Hebronic response: ‘Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?’

To the guest of honor at a birthday party:
English answer: ‘Happy birthday.’
Hebronic response: ‘A year smarter you should become.’

Remark: ‘It’s a beautiful day.’
English answer: ‘Sure is.’
Hebronic response: ‘So the sun is out; what else is new?’

Answering a phone call from a son:
English answer: ‘It’s been a while since you called.’
Hebronic response: ‘You didn’t wonder if I’m dead already?’

We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors – green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ….

“Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

A German doctor said, ‘That’s nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of
one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks’.

A Russian doctor said, ‘In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take
half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking
for work in two weeks’.

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said ‘Hah!. We can take two arseholes
out of Scotland, put them in 10 & 11 Downing Street and have half the
country looking for work within twenty-four hours’.

He opened his newspaper and began reading and after a few minutes he
turned to the priest and asked, ‘Say Father, what causes arthritis?’

The priest replies, ‘My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping
around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.’

The drunk muttered in response, ‘Well, I’ll be damned, ‘ Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
‘I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?’

The drunk answered, ‘I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.’

An Israeli doctor said, ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks’.  A German doctor said, ‘That’s nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of  one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks’.  A Russian doctor said, ‘In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks’.  The English doctor, not to be outdone, said ‘Hah!. We can take two arseholes out of Scotland, put them in 10 & 11 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours’.

If arrested, a Gentleman does not make a scene. He smugly points out that his army of lawyers will make sure he never spends a minute in prison.

Once jailed, a Gentleman never insults a fellow inmate by refusing his sexual advances. If propositioned, a Gentleman gives an elegant bow and holds his posture until his superior is finished.

Gentleman Voids Feces From His Bowels
A Gentleman need not flush the toilet after defecating, for his faeces do not pose an olfactory problem. It is more than acceptable to defecate onto a silver plate and present it to a lady as a gift.

If a Gentleman does not wish to give away his faeces, he grins and disposes of it tenderly.

A Gentleman only wipes with silk. It is tacky and bourgeois to use $100 bills.

A Gentleman only defecates twice a year.

Gentleman Procures a Prostitute
A Gentleman does not beat around the bush. When he wishes to procure sexual intercourse, he walks up to a prostitute and states, “Your short skirt and prominently displayed breasts suggest that you are willing to sell your vagina to me.”

During the sex act, a Gentleman does not dare kiss a prostitute on the mouth. Nor does he engage in foreplay or look directly into her eyes.

A Gentleman does not pay for intercourse. If the pleasure of his company was not enough compensation for the prostitute, he strangles her. Because a Gentleman does not dispose of dead bodies, he does not pay for motel rooms with his own credit card.

Gentleman Finds Out That His Son Is An Unskilled Polo Player
A Gentleman knows that disowning his own son is a difficult task. Thus, he has a servant write a note: “Dear Boy Who Used to Be My Son: As the salutation implies, you are no longer my son. Unaffectionately Yours, The Man You Used to Consider Your Father.”

Gentleman Attends an Execution
Unless otherwise specified, executions are black-tie events.

A Gentleman does not wear an executioner’s hood to the event as a joke.

A Gentleman does not cheer when the prisoner is executed. He smiles and nods.

Gentleman Kills Humans For Sport
If a Gentleman invites his cronies hunting, he supplies the game and makes a contest out of it. He acquires a sampling of social inferiors and assigns each type a relative point value based on socio-economic status.

If a Gentleman fatally wounds—but owing to poor marksmanship—does not instantly kill a peasant, he is not permitted to fire again. He must wait until the peasant is dead until he can continue hunting others. He may, however, kick the dying man in the head to hasten the process.

It is perfectly acceptable, though somewhat risky, to stuff and mount the heads of poor people throughout your house.

When feasting on the flesh of the underclass, a Gentleman drinks a merlot.

Well, I’ve just seen the funniest news story, that could only come out of that quirkiest of countries; Italy!

That’s right – the hypnotoad hint may have given it away. By the way, all hail the glory of the hypnotoad :-p

I’ve just noticed on the BBC News website, a story that makes me think of Derren Brown and Little Britain more than anything.

This just goes to show the power of NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming). I prefer to call it this than hypnosis.

I’d love to have been that poor woman’s boss. Can you imagine the conversation when she tilled up:

Manager: “You’re £800 down!”

Worker: “Huh, how’d that happen?”

Manager: “Well you must’ve stolen it”

Worker: “No, I’m telling you I really don’t know how it’s happened. One minute I’m talking to this guy and the next the money has gone.”

Manager: “Oh right, so I’m supposed to believe that this guy blanked your mind, like he hypnotised you or something.”

Security Guard: “Ummm boss, you may want to have a look at this CCTV video!”

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering “Faaackinell”.

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.

One resident – Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, “It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning.”

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings,including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after – items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:

• Microwave meals,
• Tins of baked beans,
• Ice cream,
• Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
‘Where are you bleeding from?’ they asked, “ROMFORD” said the girl, “woss that gotta do wiv you?