If arrested, a Gentleman does not make a scene. He smugly points out that his army of lawyers will make sure he never spends a minute in prison.

Once jailed, a Gentleman never insults a fellow inmate by refusing his sexual advances. If propositioned, a Gentleman gives an elegant bow and holds his posture until his superior is finished.

Gentleman Voids Feces From His Bowels
A Gentleman need not flush the toilet after defecating, for his faeces do not pose an olfactory problem. It is more than acceptable to defecate onto a silver plate and present it to a lady as a gift.

If a Gentleman does not wish to give away his faeces, he grins and disposes of it tenderly.

A Gentleman only wipes with silk. It is tacky and bourgeois to use $100 bills.

A Gentleman only defecates twice a year.

Gentleman Procures a Prostitute
A Gentleman does not beat around the bush. When he wishes to procure sexual intercourse, he walks up to a prostitute and states, “Your short skirt and prominently displayed breasts suggest that you are willing to sell your vagina to me.”

During the sex act, a Gentleman does not dare kiss a prostitute on the mouth. Nor does he engage in foreplay or look directly into her eyes.

A Gentleman does not pay for intercourse. If the pleasure of his company was not enough compensation for the prostitute, he strangles her. Because a Gentleman does not dispose of dead bodies, he does not pay for motel rooms with his own credit card.

Gentleman Finds Out That His Son Is An Unskilled Polo Player
A Gentleman knows that disowning his own son is a difficult task. Thus, he has a servant write a note: “Dear Boy Who Used to Be My Son: As the salutation implies, you are no longer my son. Unaffectionately Yours, The Man You Used to Consider Your Father.”

Gentleman Attends an Execution
Unless otherwise specified, executions are black-tie events.

A Gentleman does not wear an executioner’s hood to the event as a joke.

A Gentleman does not cheer when the prisoner is executed. He smiles and nods.

Gentleman Kills Humans For Sport
If a Gentleman invites his cronies hunting, he supplies the game and makes a contest out of it. He acquires a sampling of social inferiors and assigns each type a relative point value based on socio-economic status.

If a Gentleman fatally wounds—but owing to poor marksmanship—does not instantly kill a peasant, he is not permitted to fire again. He must wait until the peasant is dead until he can continue hunting others. He may, however, kick the dying man in the head to hasten the process.

It is perfectly acceptable, though somewhat risky, to stuff and mount the heads of poor people throughout your house.

When feasting on the flesh of the underclass, a Gentleman drinks a merlot.

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Well, I’ve just seen the funniest news story, that could only come out of that quirkiest of countries; Italy!

That’s right - the hypnotoad hint may have given it away. By the way, all hail the glory of the hypnotoad :-p

I’ve just noticed on the BBC News website, a story that makes me think of Derren Brown and Little Britain more than anything.

This just goes to show the power of NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming). I prefer to call it this than hypnosis.

I’d love to have been that poor woman’s boss. Can you imagine the conversation when she tilled up:

Manager: “You’re €800 down!”

Worker: “Huh, how’d that happen?”

Manager: “Well you must’ve stolen it”

Worker: “No, I’m telling you I really don’t know how it’s happened. One minute I’m talking to this guy and the next the money has gone.”

Manager: “Oh right, so I’m supposed to believe that this guy blanked your mind, like he hypnotised you or something.”

Security Guard: “Ummm boss, you may want to have a look at this CCTV video!”

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The first story this week is a UK story that is tragic yet humorous (yes, I have a sick sense of humour). BBC Wales are reporting that a man has died in a cake eating competition that was held in Swansea over the weekend. It almost enough to put you off of fairy cakes - however, it will be interesting to find out what he actually died of. Nobody has reported that, just that it wasn’t suspicious. Did he choke etc.? I want to know!

The second story speaks for itself in the clip below - legendary outburst - no chance in getting a passport now!

The last story is an international and technical one - that Pakistani authorities have ordered all local ISPs to block access to Google as blasphemous images of the Prophet Mohammed had made their way onto the file-sharing site. The really funny thing about this story is that, because an over zealous ISP in Pakistan got something wrong, not only was youTube taken off-line for 40 minutes, but the whole of Pakistan was removed from the Internet as well!

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I’m very at busy at work now that I have got a newish job - apart from managing On-Call, I now look after the operations project management for the divisional director. Chuffed!!

So anyway, I just wanted to briefly mention my thoughts on Amy Winehouse. She performed at the Brits twice last week and I felt so proud for her. She has a talent that should never go to waste and that is why it is disgraceful when she is compared to Britney Spears. Britney does not have a talent, should be locked up in a mental home and have her kids taken away from her…. oh wait, that did happen. On the other hand, Amy needs to be supported by everybody and encouraged to get rid of ‘my Blake incarcerated’ who is nothing but a bad influence on her.

/rant

Now for some fun stuff……mehr

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Firstly, the ASA claims that a picture of a fully clothed model, which ran in three UK daily newspapers “appeared to link teenage girls with sexually provocative behaviour and was irresponsible and likely to cause serious or widespread offence”.

The response by Peter Sherrard, head of communications for Ryanair, was fantastic - “This isn’t advertising regulation, it is simply censorship. This bunch of unelected, self appointed dimwits are clearly incapable of fairly and impartially ruling on advertising.” He also goes on to describe the ASA as Pythonesque!

The ASA’s second ruling claims that, even though Ryanair’s advertisement confirmed that its (Lowest Fares from Britain, all-inclusive) £10 seats were “subject to availability” this somehow “suggested wrongly that the quoted price applied to every seat.”

Sherrard responds with such class - “This is yet another clear example of a ridiculous ruling by the ASA quango whose council must consist of Alice, the White Rabbit and the Mad Hatter. Only in the ASA’s fairytale world could someone claim that a fare, which is ‘subject to availability’, should be available on every seat on every flight. Clearly, the ASA needs English lessons as the normal use of the language confuses them.”

I won’t spoil it all, catch the press releases here:

http://www.ryanair.com/site/EN/news.php?yr=08&month=jan&story=reg-en-300108-2

http://www.ryanair.com/site/EN/news.php?yr=08&month=jan&story=reg-en-300108

Superb!

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There’s so much going on in my life at the minute that I shall try and dedicate the upcoming last weeks of the year to give you a round up of 2007.

I’m also trying to work out what to do with this site. I may change the layout and start hosting it from home. Not sure though so stay tuned!

Seasons greetings and a Happy New Year…

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